Don Ingalls submitted his
first draft teleplay of ‘A Private Little War’ on August 8, 1967. Ten episodes
of the second season had already gone before the cameras and an eleventh, ‘The
Deadly Years,’ was in the midst of production.
Following Roddenberry’s
advice, Ingalls jettisoned the shipboard prologue and began his script with the
arrival of Kirk, Spock, and McCoy on the planet surface. In this draft, the
landing party arrives dressed in the clothes of the Neuralese, which Ingalls
describes as “simple blouse shirts, baggy pants, [and] boots, all very similar
to what is worn by the Asian Mongols,” perhaps picking up on D.C. Fontana’s
suggestion to make the natives less Arabic and more Mongol-like.
Another change is the reason
why the Enterprise is absent for most
of the episode. In the second and third draft story outlines, the ship left on “another
important mission.” In this version, Kirk orders the ship to leave orbit for
twenty-four hours, telling Scotty, “If there are any Klingon ships prowling out
there, I don’t want to give them the chance to start shooting.”
Most of the teleplay,
however, hews closely to Ingalls’ revised story outline. Kirk is still the one
shot at the end of the teaser, not Spock. The wild animal that attacks the
landing party is still “the Great Ape Creature,” which is described as being “seven
feet tall, thick as a gorilla, [and] a bright, sickening magenta in color.” Alan
Ashermann’s Star Trek Compendium claims
that “a security man was shot during the initial attack” in this version, but
that change actually happened in a subsequent draft.
The debate between Kirk,
Spock, and McCoy over arming the hill people plays out the same way it did in
Ingalls’ revised story outline, including the hawkish characterization of
McCoy. Not only are Kirk’s orders to “maintain the balance of power,” but dialogue
establishes that he doesn’t have the “option of independent action.”
The Vietnam parallels are
about the same as in the story outline. The only noticeable difference is the
way Ingalls compares Apella, the leader of the nomads, to Ho Chi Minh:
[Apella]
is quite old, looking a great deal like Ho Chi Min, a wise face, and scholarly
eyes, at first glance. A closer look there reveals a craftiness....an innate
cruelty...the look of a man whose senses are not offended by death.
The staff reaction to Ingalls’
first stab at the teleplay was mixed, leaning negative. Bob Justman dictated a
memo to Gene Coon on August 11, 1967 which said that “much surgery is going to
have to be performed on [the script]” before it could reach its potential.
Justman was especially concerned that ‘A Private Little War’ was now much too
similar to ‘Friday’s Child,’ echoing the earlier concerns of Fontana and
Roddenberry.
Justman was also worried by
Ingalls’ inability to solve many of the problems he had pinpointed in the first
story outline. He still disliked the conceit that only Kirk would carry a
phaser, as well as the captain’s reticence to use his weapon when threatened.
Since Kirk had already made his true nature apparent to both Ty-ree and Apella,
Justman felt he had “already interfered with the normal development of an Alien
Society.”
Justman’s memo also
contributed an important story change. Instead of Kirk being shot at the top of
the story, Justman proposed the captain be injured during the Great Ape
Creature’s attack in act one. To keep the jeopardy alive at the end of the
teaser, Justman suggested “a Security Man or some nondescript fellow get killed
or wounded” before the credits.
Other things that bothered
Justman:
-- He felt that Nona’s
interest in the landing party’s secrets, as well as her lust for personal
power, were unmotivated. “The way Nona behaves,” he wrote, “I kinda get the
feeling that she is a Klingon spy.”
-- Justman didn’t understand
Ingalls’ characterization of Kirk as rigid and unwilling to break the rules. “I
find this strangely inconsistent of our Captain, since we oftentimes have him
disobeying direct orders from Starfleet Command,” he wrote.
-- Drawing a parallel between
Vietnam and Kirk’s inability to disregard his orders, Justman wrote, “I realize
that you are attempting to draw a parallel between this story and the Vietnam
situation with respect to escalation and balance of power, but I don’t think
that we are doing our moral position in Vietnam any appreciable good at all –
but we are certainly causing our Captain to behave like a schmuck!”
-- Justman didn’t like the way
the story concluded at all:
I again resent the attitude
and dialogue written in for Captain Kirk.
I resent what he’s attempting to tell Ty-Ree. He plays Devil’s Advocate
and appears to me to be doing exactly the opposite of what Federation policy
really is. I think that Federation policy is to let civilizations develop at
their own pace without outside interference. Kirk’s primary purpose on this
planet should be to get rid of the Klingon influence and allow the opposing
forces to bury the hatchet and get back together again. Additionally, the
things that Kirk says in his final two speeches…are the sort of thing which can
readily depress a viewer. By the time Kirk finishes talking to McCoy, he has
made it perfectly clear that there is no hope for the human race. Remember, [Star Trek] takes places [sic] hundreds
of years in the future and from what is being said on these pages, the present
viewing audience can have no expectations of a better life for succeeding generations.
-- Displaying his trademark
wit, Justman wrote, “Bill Shatner won’t like the scene description of Nona being
nearly as strong as he is.”
-- Elsewhere he joked that, “I
have just read the scene description at the top of Page 57. I would like to
have the opportunity of casting the part of Nona.” For the record, Ingalls
describes the way Nona hovers over the wounded captain Kirk in the following manner:
She
is like a great, graceful feline as she creeps closer to the fallen man....her
great eyes on the magic box at his belt....her pointed tongue touches her
lips...then she darts in and hovers over him....quick fingers fumbling at his
belt, taking the phaser.
 |
| Still from 'A Private Little War' (1967) |
D.C. Fontana delivered her own memo to Gene Coon the same day as Justman. She was even less enthusiastic, opening her six page memo by stating, “I have a lot of bones to pick with this script.” Although she
complained about the “heavy-handed sex,” Fontana’s greatest concern was that the script was “very talky,” without “decisive action until the very end.”
Fontana remained worried that
the episode was too similar to ‘Friday’s Child,’ and suggested a few changes to
at least alleviate the problem:
-- Ingalls described Yutan as “a broad faced giant
with a booming voice.” Fontana squashed the idea, since ‘Friday’s Child’ had
already depicted native giants.
-- Ingalls depicted Ty-ree’s
settlement as a series of tents. Fontana urged Coon to change this, writing,
“Please let us not have tents. I was informed in fluent profanity about all the
difficulties encountered trying to shoot the insides of tents on FRIDAY’S
CHILD.”
-- Fontana suggested using
Busch Gardens as a filming location, which she had recently visited and
photographed. She noted, “the have eight very well-trained parrots and eight
very well-trained cockatoos we might be able to use in the bargain.” It would
have been a new location for Star Trek,
and would have helped set it apart from other episodes, including ‘Friday’s
Child’ (ultimately, the series never used the location; the Van Nuys park closed in 1979).
Like Justman, Fontana didn’t
understand why there was only one phaser with the landing party. “They are not
stupid,” she wrote, “they understand the complications of revealing sophisticated
weaponry and equipment to primitive peoples. But they should be armed. All
should have communicators. And McCoy should have his very small medi-kit.”
Unsurprisingly, Fontana didn’t
like the characterization of McCoy in the script. “McCoy gets too hysterical,”
she wrote, “It’s not like him at all.” She also objected to the
characterization of Ty-ree, which prevented him from being a credible leader. “Ty-ree,
as painted throughout this story, is a weakling and seems almost a coward,” she
wrote. “No wonder Nona wants to quit of him. I don’t blame her. Ty-ree should
be much stronger, a reluctant warrior, but still a man.”
Fontana’s main criticism of this draft of ‘A Private Little War,’ however, was not directed towards its characterization. Rather, her concern was with the script’s lack of action. Discussing the second half of the teleplay, she wrote, “We expound on a great deal of philosophy here and do very little… Philosophies are great, but in the end, action usually prevails.”
She didn’t find the first half of the teleplay to be much better. Although it had more action, including a surprise attack which ends with Kirk being shot and a confrontation with the Great Ape, Fontana felt this material was mostly “padding” that did little to advance the story. “At this point,” she wrote, “we must stop the side excursions and get directly to Ty-ree and the story.” In her estimation, it took too long to introduce the Klingon and too long for Kirk to accomplish much of anything. Always direct, Fontana further emphasized her point, writing, “Don must cut all the rubbish and get to the story.”
Among Fontana’s other concerns:
-- Again, she suggested Krell’s name be changed, since “the Krell were the ancient race in the MGM sf picture, FORBIDDEN PLANET.”
-- Like Justman, she felt Krell’s immediate recognition of Kirk, “who is running away, in a long shot” was unbelievable.
-- She wondered, if Nona and Ty-ree were just married two weeks prior to the landing party’s arrival, “how is it everyone on the opposite side of the fence knows she’s Ty-ree’s woman? Were they at the party?”
-- Keeping an eye on costs, Fontana suggested dropping Scotty from the script altogether, since in this version he only appears in two scenes, and speaks in only one.
Although Star Trek needed scripts that were ready to go before the cameras, ‘A Private Little War’ clearly wasn’t ready. Gene Coon went to work on a detailed memo to Don Ingalls, which outlined the many changes to the script that would be needed before the episode could go into production.
(Part One can be read here, Part Two here, and Part Three here).
